Flowers? What's Flowers?
by Jack The Bard
Summary: This is a summation of fluffable goodness as a result of Ariel D.
1. Pretty

**This is another answer to Ariel D's call for all the fluffy goodness that authors can offer. This is my first try at said fluff, so don't be disappointed.**

* * *

Entreri was walking along a road in Damara when he saw his partner in crime staring at sometning, and drawing a **_lot_** of attention to himself. 

"What are you doing?" Entreri asked Jarlaxle.

"Looking at this," the drow replied, gesturing to a flower.

"It's a flower. Didn't they have flowers...? oops."

"It's so pretty!!! I could just pluck it right out of the ground!"

Entreri rolled his eyes, "We do that. At least, little girls and lovestruck morons do."

"Oo! I want to be a lovestruck... um... moron, was it?" Jarlaxle practically jumped with joy.

Entreri sighed, "This is almost as bad as when you started to taste sugar, then ate a whole spoonful of salt, thinking it was sugar. You're already a moron, so get lovestruck, find some damn flowers, and knock yourself out."

Jarlaxle rummaged in his Bag of Holding and pulled a tackhammer out, preparing to hit himself in the head.

Entreri grabbed the hammer. "No! find a woman that you'll spend more than one night with, then go ahead." He handed the hammer back. Jarlaxle took it, looked around, then raised the hammer above his head again.

"Ooh, this is going to be difficult," Entreri said, hanging his head low.

* * *

After setting the hammer on fire and taking a long several hours to explain to Jarlaxle, who had a really nasty goose egg on his head, that love was more than lust, Entreri sent the drow off so he could have some ale in peace.

Jarlaxle went to the Damara wall, and it was there he met Assanti.

* * *

Assanti was beautiful, haggling with a bounty officer over whether or not what she had turned in was an orgre's ear or not. The officer shook his head a final time, and just saw Assanti's fist coming at his face. 

She collected her rightful bounty, and walked past Jarlaxle. He was acting cool as a cucumber, and he spoke as she walked by, "You sure that was an ogre's ear? Looked like a goblin's."

Assanti stopped, then turned around. "You want to end up like him?" she said in a voice that was like ambrosia, gesturing towards the bounty officer.

"Never," Jarlaxle said confidently. He introduced himself, and well, we all know how it falls into place after that.

* * *

When Jarlaxle woke up in bed with Assanti the next morning, he got dressed and walked away, thinking that love, much like lust, was a one-time thing. He calmly left the room, not knowing how pissed Assanti the Unforgiving would be. 


	2. Mustard

**Sorry it took so long. I was thinking of a real doozy for Jarlaxle. :3**

**

* * *

**

** Ass**anti woke up, surprised to find Jarlaxle, the drow she had bedded the other night, not beside her the next morning. She got pissed, and rightfully so.

She decided to write the jerk a note.

* * *

Jarlaxle woke up the next morning to find a tubular peice of meat with a bottle of very thick yellow liquid on his nightstand the next morning. He bit into the meat, surpruised to find it crunchy on the outside, with a tasty center. He eyed the yellow stuff, not knowing what to do with it, then decided to drink it.

It was slightly tangy, with some small... seeds? in it. Artemis walked in, seeing Jarlaxle with the bottle in his mouth, then hung his head.

"Why are you drinking mustard?"

"It is a beverage, is it not?"

"No"

"It is tasty like a beverage,"

"Put it down."

"Is there more?"

Artemis twitched a bit. "It's a condiment."

"Is there more?"

"No."

"Blast."

At that moment, an arrow flew through the window, a note attached to it.

Artemis grabbed the scrap of parchment, then handed it to Jarlaxle, saying, "It's from... Assanti?"

"Oo!" Jarlaxle leaped from his matress and grabbed the note.

Jarlaxle, please meet me at the summit of King's Mountain, I have something to tell you. I just hope that you bring me something beautiful, as I have something beautiful for you. Assanti.

Once more, Jarlaxle whipped the tackhammer out.


	3. Arty laughs

**Do you like laffs? Yes, I know you do.

* * *

**

Jarlaxle went to the mountain, a bottle of mustard in his hand, his bald head hidden under his feathered hat (which was heavier, another dweomer, but let's not get into that).

A swallow's flight away (unladen, of course), Assanti waited, her heavily enchanted bow in hand. This bow was made, enchanted, and used by her and her alone. Rightfully so, it bore her name.

Jarlaxle came up the final hill of the snowy mountain, and an arrow shot through his hat, pinning it to the cliff behind him. Silly as always, he turned, saying, "Assanti, sweetie! How have you been? Want some mustard?"

If Assanti was at all freaked out by this comment, she showed no sign of it, as she let another arrow fly. Of course, it missed, as a result of the dweomer of Jarlaxle's cape.

Jarlaxle freaked out, hiding from his "lover", as six arrows took flight at once.

He jumped right into the hole from his hat, as it had fallen on the ground, expanding into the typical 10' hole.

Assanti walked over, an arrow nocked, and aimed. "Like shooting fish in a barrel," she muttered, a tinge of evil in the voice.

She let fly.

Jarlaxle threw up his hands, and screamed like a little girl.

There was a crack of glass, and Jarlaxle opened his eyes to find the arrow sticking cleanly out of the glassteel bottle of mustard he was holding up before him. "Noooooo!!!!!!" Jarlaxle cried, for both his life... and his mustard.

Assanti saw him pleading for life, and decided to stop, for he was simply too cute. She hopped in the hole, and kissed the drow full on the mouth, the sour taste of mustard flowing form his mouth to hers.

When they stopped, Jarlaxle held up a bundle of daises.

Assanti sneezed.

"I'm allergic to daisies, you numbskull!!!!" she screamed, and Jarlaxle tried to climb out of the hole.

Artemis watched the comical scene from above, sipping from a cup. He looked at it, and just shrugged, "So the drow was right for once. Mustard is quite good." He turned back to the scene and laughed a great belly laugh as an electrical arrow seared Jarlaxle's buttocks as it flew past.

* * *

**Finally done!!!! I'm free of this laugh-infested, hilarious comedy!!! I'm freeeeeeeee... (jumps off cliff)**


End file.
